woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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