I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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