i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
