I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
