eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
