i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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