Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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