If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish I only lived at night.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
