I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
