I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
