hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
