You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
