Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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