hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
