so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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