Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
