is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize