Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
