That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Blood and glitter go together right?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
