i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
