i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
