saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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