It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
