Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
