He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
