Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
