i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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