I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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