Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
