i can't believe i had my finger in that
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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