I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
