You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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