i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
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I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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