Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
