I am spending my child support on dildos
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
