My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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