i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
