you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
