dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
