I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He felt like a one man threesome
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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