You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
