dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
