I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
whose parrot is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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