Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize