Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
