Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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