Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
