who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
