Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
