I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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