That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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