I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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