I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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