Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
